A few years ago I chose to enter a residential program in order to access help for deep depression that just wouldn’t budge. At the end of each week, on Friday afternoon when therapy and groups and classes are over for the day, a ceremony takes place as residents who have completed their stay prepare to return to “real life”. Everyone in the group (between 35 to 40 people), has the opportunity to say something to the individuals who are leaving. It’s a touching time, filled with heartfelt best wishes and affirmations.
Eventually it was my turn to transition back to the real world. I remember only one thing that was said to me: Eric said he appreciated that I was “really real”.
And yet.
I just finished telling a friend that I’ve found myself returning to my default mode of swallowing my truth, my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings, because I fear hurting others or rocking the proverbial boat. Plus there’s always the chance that if I show up with all of me I’ll be rejected.
In other words, these days, I’m not being really real- at least not the way I want to be.
Because while defaulting back to this old way of being (nice, quiet, “good”) seems easier, the truth is I pay for it in really big ways. When I don’t “use my voice”, the discomfort of having something to say and not saying it doesn’t just disappear. It builds up inside of me. It turns into resentment and loneliness. It hurts my soul because I am, in a very real sense, invalidating my own truth.
My therapist has asked me repeatedly why it’s ok for me to hurt myself in order to avoid the possibility of hurting others. I don’t have a good answer for that. I don’t think there is a good answer for that.
It’s an old pattern, formed in childhood, hard to break. I’ve repeated it in my marriage, with my children, and with my friends. Almost as if there’s a constant directive running in my head “be good, be nice, be quiet…be good, be nice, be quiet.”
The ugly side is, I teach others to do the opposite of this. I believe in doing the opposite of this. I know what to do, I just find it almost impossible to actually do it. It takes an enormous amount of intention to change decades of doing life in a particular way. Enormous. And much of my intention has been going to other things lately. I’m tired.
I firmly believe that awareness is the first step to change. (I may be plagiarizing that from someone.) I’m aware. Now it’s up to me to choose what to do with my awareness: rock the boat or stay quiet? Be nice or be Really Real?
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