Month: October 2022

I want to remember your stunning smile and your laughter.
I need to forget how on one of your last days
you sat on the side of your hospital bed
and watched the sunrise
while crying silent tears.

I want to remember your passion for food.
I need to forget those end of life requests
for berries and bread.
Requests I could not fulfill because of the
radiation- caused hole in your stomach
and the feeding tube.
But when you asked I said “yes”.

I want to remember your curiosity about the world
and your love of travel.
I need to forget how broken, how bereft you became
when you realized you wouldn’t be leaving the ICU,
not alive.

I want to always, ALWAYS remember your love for us,
ours for you.
I need to forget our wailing when you
took your last breath.

I want to remember your life, joy-filled, life-filled.
I need to forget your final days;
the despair I felt, the utter sorrow.

I want to remember you, dancing by the sea.
I need to forget your body
still and breath-less.

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This is for you, whose heart has been shattered by grief. Bless you in this place of seemingly endless suffering.
If I could, I would place my hand over your heart and say the words “bless you”. Bless you in this place of tears, of heartache .
May you feel seen and heard and known in this place. May you settle in to this offer of compassion.
I honor you- your heart is still beating, your lungs are still breathing. I honor your strength in this place, strength that doesn’t feel like strength at all.
I thank you for your truth-telling in this place, where the truth is gut-wrenchingly hard to bear.
Please remember there is no hurry, no have-tos, in this place of loss. Please give yourself time, time and space; as much as it takes.
I know you must sit, at times, in the darkness, letting the tears flow. My wish for you in this place of darkness, is that of soft surrender.
I am here too, in this place.

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For my Fellow Mourners

May the next step feel a little lighter than the last.

May sleep bring a gentle reprieve with its rest.

May the sun shine soft on your tear-stained face.

May the breeze blow kindness tenderly your way.

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grief is everywhere
I swear it oozes from the walls
it’s in the slump of shoulders
the shuffle of steps
the slowing of cognition

grief is everywhere
in my dreams
in my therapists’ office
in my husbands arms
in the eyes of my sons

grief is everywhere
the air in my lungs
the beat of my heart
the constant leak of tears
the memories that fill my mind from side to side

it’s in the urn
in the wildflower bouquet
in the lit candle
in the pictures everywhere
grief is everywhere

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