The 8th Hard Thing

Well, sort of…

I’ve actually thought about this quite a bit in recent weeks. In case you don’t already know this about me, I volunteer teach once a week for a local men’s and a women’s recovery program. The subject I attempt to teach is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, often referred to as DBT.

My students struggle to get through the holidays (like many of us), and sometimes there’s a relapse or two. The men in particular are extra busy, as they are living in the building where most of the holiday donations are received. Given the above, I decided to take a bit of a detour in class and focus on Mindfulness. They expressed their gratitude and relief; we had been painstakingly plowing through some deep emotional work and, frankly, they don’t need that extra burden at this time of year!

Which brings me to the subject of this post. Validation. Now, technically, validation is not a DBT Mindfulness skill; it’s found in the module of Interpersonal Effectiveness. But in class it’s a skill we touch on frequently, regardless of our current module, especially when things are difficult in “The House”. “Why’s that?”, you wonder. In my opinion, validation is one of the most important relationship skills, and we are all in need of relationship skills. Can I get an “Amen”?

So, if you want to radically change your relationships (including the one you have with yourself), I implore you to learn how to validate. 

First, I have a link and the rest of this post will make more sense if you go on over to YouTube to watch this before reading on. If the link doesn’t work, type “Relational DBT Validation Sunrise” into the YouTube search field. It’s 9 minutes long.

First let me say, yes, the video focuses on parent-child relationships, but the teaching can be applied to all relationships. The second thing I’d like to point out is, the skill of validation is not true validation if it is used as a form of manipulation! 

The challenge with validation is, it means we need to shut up and listen. And that does not come easy to most of us. Stop judging what’s being said, stop judging the person saying it, stop planning what we will say in response. Just listen. That in itself, can be the most validating thing to do. 

The more I discuss this with people, the more I’m convinced that many of us just want to be heard. No, let me rephrase: we are yearning to be heard. To know we matter, that we are valid! I’m not sure if it’s human nature or just our Western way of doing things, but most of us feel obliged to give advice, or better yet, answers. When someone pours out their pain and problems, we want to fix. Because we care so much, right?

Hmmm, I’m not so sure that’s the reason. And I could be wrong about this (feel free to add your opinion in the Comments), but we don’t like feeling the discomfort of being with someone who is having a hard time.  (And, I must add: we don’t like being parents to children who are having a hard time. Makes us look bad… ahem.) It makes US uncomfortable and so we want to fix it ASAP so we can stop feeling all squirmy. Give us a problem, we’ll fix it (or throw some cash at it), isn’t that our way? 

The problem is, advice giving (unless it’s expressly asked for) and “fixing” is INvalidating. Which is the opposite of what’s needed to build and grow relationships. 

Let me offer you a scenario. Let’s say you have an annoying fear that won’t give you a break. Maybe you’re afraid of thunderstorms. You’re embarrassed about this fear so rarely talk about it. One night there’s a storm and you, feeling frantic with fear, take a risk and confide in a loved one that you are very, very afraid. They decide that the best thing for you to do is face your fear, so they coax you outside and then run into the house and lock all the doors! They are “fixing” your fear by deciding the best course of action is for you to tough it out. Ok, this might not happen in real life, but similar invalidating experiences happen all the time.

Have you ever expressed fear about a stomachache that won’t let up, or something similar, only to have someone share their own, obviously more significant, physical ailment? You know, as if it’s a contest, and whoever has the worst health problem wins. I have. And I certainly don’t feel validated. I generally feel something like “yeah, I’m making a big deal out of nothing again; I’m so stupid!” Plus that person is probably not the one I’ll confide in next time.

What if in the first example the loved one responded with something like, “I didn’t realize that storms are frightening to you. Thank you for telling me. How about we turn on a good movie and distract ourselves from the storm?” Validating ? Yes. And the thing is, this person may LOVE thunderstorms and it makes NO sense to them why everyone doesn’t love thunderstorms!

So, why validate? Because being connected is more important than being “right”. (I’m tempted to retype that line, but I’m going to trust you to understand it’s the whole point of this post.)

In the second example, a validating response might be something like, “yeah, pain that doesn’t go away can be concerning. It makes sense that you are bothered. Is there something I can do?” The person with the belly ache feels heard, understood, validated. The “listener” might have a terrible illness and, a stomachache, in their opinion, may seem like no big deal.

This happened to me a few months ago. I was at a retreat for those whose life experience included a cancer diagnosis. Something difficult and painful was going on at home and I was struggling with being hundreds of miles away. One morning I was sitting at breakfast near a woman young enough to be my daughter. She asked me how I was doing and immediately unbidden, silent tears slipped down my face. She listened as I shared a summary of what was causing me so much distress. As I talked, she held my eyes with a steady gaze. She made comforting verbal sounds. She had no answers. She couldn’t even relate to what I was going through. No. Just 4 months earlier she had received a diagnosis of Glioblastoma, the most aggressive form of brain cancer there is. As I type this, I don’t even know if she’s still alive. Yet she gave me the most precious gift. That of being heard. I will be forever grateful.

Which brings me to a truth I hope is obvious in the above examples: Validation does not mean “I agree”. It doesn’t even mean “I understand.” Nope. It’s a way of communicating clearly, “You matter. You are worth being listened to.” 

I believe the skill of validation can bring more ease to the stressful time that the holiday season is for many of us. But it requires slowing down, listening, being present. 

I want to tell a true story. My daughter has been in a nursing program and this summer she was working in the community with immigrants and refugees. She became very frustrated as, again and again, the resources she had been told to offer to these needy individuals, were found to be inaccessible for some reason or another. She teared up when recounting her experiences because she felt like she hadn’t really been able to help. But  she was PRESENT, she showed up. And, let me tell you, I don’t think anything is more valuable, more validating, in this day and age, for the needy-yes, and for each of us. The aunt that is your political opposite, the cousin who just got out of jail. You get the idea. You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to like the behavior; find something to validate. It can change me, you, the aunt, the cousin, the culture. 

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Yesterday I had the privilege of taking a poetry class. And, while it was fun and full of inspiration, I was also reminded of how much I don’t know about the writing craft. The teacher did state, “in order to be better writers, we have to read A LOT.” So there’s one thing I’m doing right!

I’ve loved to read for as long as I can remember. Reading entertains, teaches, creates connection, and it can provide a healthy distraction from the often harsh reality called “Life”.

Today I’d like to share a short list of books I’ve enjoyed recently, and why. These books have enabled me to broaden my horizons, learn and, hopefully, grow.

So without further ado, and in no particular order, here’s the list:

Plant Dreaming Deep by May Sarton. I could say a lot about Ms. Sarton, because she was certainly an interesting person. But in order to keep this post to a practical length, I’ll be somewhat brief. May (Eleanore Marie) was a prolific writer of poetry, fiction and memoir. Possibly what strikes me most about her writing in Plant Dreaming Deep, which is one of several of May’s published journals, is that it’s so, well, interesting. Her writing about writing, gardening, entertaining and being entertained- basically the mundane things of her day-to-day existence, really held my interest and I frequently found myself reading “just one more page.”

Mink River by Brian Doyle. As a reader of The Sun magazine, I became familiar with Mr. Doyle’s work in the form of essay and short story. And I liked what I read. Mink River is rich prose! It is a story of a fictional coastal town in Oregon that is at once realistic and fantastical. I found myself frequently rereading sections, in an effort to take in all the lyrical beauty of his writing. Brian was the master of the short story as well as a deep and often unconventional thinker. Unfortunately, Mr. Doyle was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died within a year of diagnosis. He was 60 years old. Before his diagnosis he wrote “Cancer is to be endured, that’s all”. I couldn’t agree more.

In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate. I could go on and on about this book and it’s author, but will, again, attempt to be brief. This man has done hard things well. No, he has done very hard things very well. Hungry Ghosts is a book about addiction that somehow applies to all of us, in my opinion anyway. Dr. Mate spent a few decades in the Portland District in Vancouver B.C.;  an area rife with poverty, addiction and mental illness. His writing tells the hard hitting truth with incredible empathy. He levels the field as he confides about his own addictions (to obsessive purchasing of classical music CDs, among other things). I had the amazing opportunity to hear Dr. Mate speak last year at an addictions conference and was impressed with his seemingly effortless wisdom, but most of all with his humility.

Here If You Need Me by Kate Braestrup. Kate is a phenomenal writer whose memoir certainly held my attention. Her husband Drew, a trooper with the Maine State Police had big plans for a second career. After his retirement from the force he would attend seminary and become a minister. Meanwhile, Kate planned to combine her writing with being a minister’s wife. Then one morning, Drew was killed instantly when a fully loaded box truck smashed into the driver’s side of his cruiser. Kate was left with their four young children (ages 3 through 9) and enough grief to last a lifetime. Then, she makes the extraordinary decision to live out Drew’s dream. She attends seminary and becomes an ordained Unitarian Universalist minister and is hired as chaplain to the Maine Warden Service. One of my favorite lines from the book is: “I can’t make those two realities- what I’ve lost and what I’ve found- fit together in some tidy pattern of divine causality. I just have to hold them on the one hand and on the other, just like that.” I have eager plans to read more of Ms. Braestrups’ work!

So this, my last book to tell you about, blew me away. And I’m not exaggerating. It is (drumroll) Tattoos On The Heart by Gregory Boyle. Boyle is a Jesuit priest and his diocese is Dolores Mission located in what was, at the time, the “gang capital of the world” in East Los Angeles. Boyle’s amazing book recounts over 20 years of living with and loving gang members and their families from the barrio. “G”, as he is called by all who know and love him, writes of both the hilarious and the heartbreaking. His stories had me laughing and crying, often at the same time. I was amazed again and again, at the depth of compassion, grace and unconditional love “G” pours on his parishioners. But please don’t hear me say he paints a prettied up picture of himself or the ministry. He is, above all, painstakingly honest. If you are breathing, you need to read this book! Actually, I highly recommend that you listen to Father Boyle read it (it’s available on Audible) because his voice adds exponentially to the telling. Also, he knows Spanish and I don’t!

Happy reading!

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I’ve started praying again, thanks to a friend’s gentle encouragement. Mostly I just recite a list of names, offering them into the air, humbly asking for…

There’s the rub, I’m not sure what it is I’m asking for. 

Help, I guess. Maybe it’s okay for it to be that simple. And to continually remind myself that I don’t know what help looks like.

I prayed for almost 50 years and then I stopped. I just couldn’t make it fit: all my asking with all the chaos and pain around me. In me.

In fact, it seemed the more I prayed, the worse things got. So I stopped. Because it felt futile and more than just a little disappointing.

I had been taught that “prayer changes things”. That such change could be wrought if one just prayed often enough, long enough, and in the right way. 

C.S. Lewis said something along the lines of “I pray because I don’t know what else to do.” Even as I write (my paraphrase of) his words, my eyes fill. Because, yes, me too.

So here I am, invoking the name of Jesus over and around and through my simple list of names. No idea, really, if it makes any difference. No expectation of things changing. Certainly no sense of hope in a specific outcome. I try, again, to let go of it all: difference, change, outcome. I try, again, to hold onto just one thing: hope.

Because I don’t know what else to do.

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What words?

Such devastation, death, despair. My heart hurts. The pain and suffering in the world seems too hard to bear. What can we, what should we do? No, what can I, what should I do?

There’s no simple answer of course. That seems to be the way of things. 

The things that come to mind, those things I can do, seem so inadequate, trite almost. Yet I will continue to act when and where I can and trust that it all matters. Trust that every kind word and smile and act and gesture does indeed make a difference. Trust that every loving thought and each heartfelt prayer counts. Because, if not, then I too must give way to despair. And that I refuse to do.

So here, humbly, I will list a few things on my heart’s “to do” list:

Love those I’ve been given to love. No matter what.

Listen, intentionally, with my heart.

Stay present (to me this means, hang in there without trying to fix).

Share my authentic self with others. It’s beyond time to drop the pretense and find connection in our common human struggles.

Be kind. I know we hear this a lot these days (rightly so, in my opinion), but I think kindness is perhaps needed now more than ever. And all kindness counts, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Trust that.

Withhold judgment. A challenge, I know. But this simple intention has been life changing for me. 

Of course this isn’t an extensive list, I’m sure you could add your own “to do’s”. So I invite you to do just that in the Comments section. I truly would love to hear from you!

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