Holiday Help is Here!

Well, sort of…

I’ve actually thought about this quite a bit in recent weeks. In case you don’t already know this about me, I volunteer teach once a week for a local men’s and a women’s recovery program. The subject I attempt to teach is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, often referred to as DBT.

My students struggle to get through the holidays (like many of us), and sometimes there’s a relapse or two. The men in particular are extra busy, as they are living in the building where most of the holiday donations are received. Given the above, I decided to take a bit of a detour in class and focus on Mindfulness. They expressed their gratitude and relief; we had been painstakingly plowing through some deep emotional work and, frankly, they don’t need that extra burden at this time of year!

Which brings me to the subject of this post. Validation. Now, technically, validation is not a DBT Mindfulness skill; it’s found in the module of Interpersonal Effectiveness. But in class it’s a skill we touch on frequently, regardless of our current module, especially when things are difficult in “The House”. “Why’s that?”, you wonder. In my opinion, validation is one of the most important relationship skills, and we are all in need of relationship skills. Can I get an “Amen”?

So, if you want to radically change your relationships (including the one you have with yourself), I implore you to learn how to validate. 

First, I have a link and the rest of this post will make more sense if you go on over to YouTube to watch this before reading on. If the link doesn’t work, type “Relational DBT Validation Sunrise” into the YouTube search field. It’s 9 minutes long.

First let me say, yes, the video focuses on parent-child relationships, but the teaching can be applied to all relationships. The second thing I’d like to point out is, the skill of validation is not true validation if it is used as a form of manipulation! 

The challenge with validation is, it means we need to shut up and listen. And that does not come easy to most of us. Stop judging what’s being said, stop judging the person saying it, stop planning what we will say in response. Just listen. That in itself, can be the most validating thing to do. 

The more I discuss this with people, the more I’m convinced that many of us just want to be heard. No, let me rephrase: we are yearning to be heard. To know we matter, that we are valid! I’m not sure if it’s human nature or just our Western way of doing things, but most of us feel obliged to give advice, or better yet, answers. When someone pours out their pain and problems, we want to fix. Because we care so much, right?

Hmmm, I’m not so sure that’s the reason. And I could be wrong about this (feel free to add your opinion in the Comments), but we don’t like feeling the discomfort of being with someone who is having a hard time.  (And, I must add: we don’t like being parents to children who are having a hard time. Makes us look bad… ahem.) It makes US uncomfortable and so we want to fix it ASAP so we can stop feeling all squirmy. Give us a problem, we’ll fix it (or throw some cash at it), isn’t that our way? 

The problem is, advice giving (unless it’s expressly asked for) and “fixing” is INvalidating. Which is the opposite of what’s needed to build and grow relationships. 

Let me offer you a scenario. Let’s say you have an annoying fear that won’t give you a break. Maybe you’re afraid of thunderstorms. You’re embarrassed about this fear so rarely talk about it. One night there’s a storm and you, feeling frantic with fear, take a risk and confide in a loved one that you are very, very afraid. They decide that the best thing for you to do is face your fear, so they coax you outside and then run into the house and lock all the doors! They are “fixing” your fear by deciding the best course of action is for you to tough it out. Ok, this might not happen in real life, but similar invalidating experiences happen all the time.

Have you ever expressed fear about a stomachache that won’t let up, or something similar, only to have someone share their own, obviously more significant, physical ailment? You know, as if it’s a contest, and whoever has the worst health problem wins. I have. And I certainly don’t feel validated. I generally feel something like “yeah, I’m making a big deal out of nothing again; I’m so stupid!” Plus that person is probably not the one I’ll confide in next time.

What if in the first example the loved one responded with something like, “I didn’t realize that storms are frightening to you. Thank you for telling me. How about we turn on a good movie and distract ourselves from the storm?” Validating ? Yes. And the thing is, this person may LOVE thunderstorms and it makes NO sense to them why everyone doesn’t love thunderstorms!

So, why validate? Because being connected is more important than being “right”. (I’m tempted to retype that line, but I’m going to trust you to understand it’s the whole point of this post.)

In the second example, a validating response might be something like, “yeah, pain that doesn’t go away can be concerning. It makes sense that you are bothered. Is there something I can do?” The person with the belly ache feels heard, understood, validated. The “listener” might have a terrible illness and, a stomachache, in their opinion, may seem like no big deal.

This happened to me a few months ago. I was at a retreat for those whose life experience included a cancer diagnosis. Something difficult and painful was going on at home and I was struggling with being hundreds of miles away. One morning I was sitting at breakfast near a woman young enough to be my daughter. She asked me how I was doing and immediately unbidden, silent tears slipped down my face. She listened as I shared a summary of what was causing me so much distress. As I talked, she held my eyes with a steady gaze. She made comforting verbal sounds. She had no answers. She couldn’t even relate to what I was going through. No. Just 4 months earlier she had received a diagnosis of Glioblastoma, the most aggressive form of brain cancer there is. As I type this, I don’t even know if she’s still alive. Yet she gave me the most precious gift. That of being heard. I will be forever grateful.

Which brings me to a truth I hope is obvious in the above examples: Validation does not mean “I agree”. It doesn’t even mean “I understand.” Nope. It’s a way of communicating clearly, “You matter. You are worth being listened to.” 

I believe the skill of validation can bring more ease to the stressful time that the holiday season is for many of us. But it requires slowing down, listening, being present. 

I want to tell a true story. My daughter has been in a nursing program and this summer she was working in the community with immigrants and refugees. She became very frustrated as, again and again, the resources she had been told to offer to these needy individuals, were found to be inaccessible for some reason or another. She teared up when recounting her experiences because she felt like she hadn’t really been able to help. But  she was PRESENT, she showed up. And, let me tell you, I don’t think anything is more valuable, more validating, in this day and age, for the needy-yes, and for each of us. The aunt that is your political opposite, the cousin who just got out of jail. You get the idea. You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to like the behavior; find something to validate. It can change me, you, the aunt, the cousin, the culture. 

by