It’s All About You

I want to follow up my last post with a further explanation on self-validation and why (at least in my opinion) it’s important.

First a definition from the DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents: “Self-Validation involves perceiving your own feelings, thoughts, and actions as making sense, accurate, and acceptable in a particular situation.”

Have you ever felt angry with yourself for being angry? Been frustrated with yourself because you are “stuck” in grief? I have. And you know what, this form of emotional invalidation has not made things better. It has, in fact, made my life more of a challenge. For close to 50 years, I didn’t know any different. I thought the best way to change was to, well, change. Acceptance, never entered my mind. And acceptance is the sister of self-validation. If you cringe at the word “acceptance” as it relates to emotions, hang on, I will attempt to ease your discomfort!

I love the work of Kristin Neff, PhD, she is Associate Professor of Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas at Austin and her gig is self-compassion research. (Look her up on YouTube or check out her work at self-compassion.org). My main takeaway from Dr. Neff’s work is this: based on brain research (fMRI), when we are self-critical and judgmental, the part of our brain that helps us with motivation and change shuts down. Conversely, when we offer ourselves understanding and compassion (self-validation), those same brain centers light up and show an increase in activity. I think that’s pretty good news!

I love this quote from Kristin: 

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

An example I frequently use in class involves eating, because we all eat and most of us can relate to overeating. Let’s say I have resolved to stop eating one of my favorite sweets; I’m going to say (for you local folks) Sparrow Bakery’s peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. On Monday I go to my weekly therapy session and I leave feeling uncomfortable. This is not uncommon. (Backstory: I met my therapist when I signed up for a year-long DBT group she was co-leading. She scared the crap out of me and I actually thought to myself, “I would never want her as my therapist!” And yeah, now she’s my therapist. Suffice it to say, my sessions with her are often quite challenging. She calls me on my shit, er, stuff. AND I can tell her anything and she accepts it all without judgment.) Conveniently, on my drive home is a market that sells the above mentioned cookies. Truth be told, I sometimes stop and buy a cookie. Sometimes I eat the entire thing in the store parking lot. 

Used to be, after my wee little 500 calorie cookie indulgence, I’d feel guilty and berate myself with a fair amount of “I’m never going to change…I’m always going to eat to comfort myself”; you get the idea. Since encountering self-validation and Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion, I buy and eat 10 cookies. Not really. I sometimes still stop and buy and eat a cookie. I sometimes feel a little guilt. But I rarely ever flog myself with nasty, self-recriminating thoughts. This next part may sound silly, but hey, it works for me. Now, I’m more likely to say things to myself like “it makes sense that you want to eat a cookie right now, you just did some tough emotional work.” 

Perhaps you’ve already jumped to the punch line, I know I’m not inventing the wheel here. Treating myself with kindness and validating the emotional turmoil I often feel after therapy (and on many other occasions!), has led to fewer stops for cookies, sometimes choosing a smaller cookie, or even (gasp!) eating only a few bites of the cookie. I know.

Self-validation makes a difference because, when I beat myself up I want to eat more cookies, or similar junk. Or, I take the anger and frustration I’m feeling toward myself and project it onto some unsuspecting bystander. And that’s not pretty.  Either way, I can pretty much guarantee that I stay stuck emotionally because, let’s face it, cookies don’t solve anything, no matter what your mom told you. When I am kind to myself, I am more able to see that I have other options. I can actually remember that last time I had a huge cookie, I felt better…for about 2 minutes, tops. Then I realize that what drove me to eat the cookie is still churning in my gut. 

This behavior is so common in a dieting situation, or when someone enters recovery from substance abuse or any other addiction. One wakes up Monday morning and decides “this is it, I’m going to lose this weight, eat only _____ calories a day and exercise for 5 hours each week.” Then the you-know-what hits the fan: a child is suspended from school, or the evening news is worse than usual (is that even possible?!), or, choose a scenario- it could be a disagreement with a loved one, traffic was bad. You get the idea. The drive-through beckons, those Monday morning goals pale in comparison to “I need to feel better now!!!”. So we go for it, the comfort of food or cigarettes or sex or gambling or meth or booze. Then the self- flagellation begins. “I’m so stupid!”, “I’ll never get it right!”. And then the most insidious message of all flares like a neon light: “I may as well give up.” Yep, off the wagon and it all happens so quickly.

Enter self-compassion. Self-validation. I’m not making this up: research shows it works. Going easier on ourselves when we do the thing we swore we wouldn’t do gives us the capacity to change that very behavior. Kind of flies in the face of all I’ve learned, how about you? 

Acceptance and self-validation do not mean we give up on trying to change things like addiction and other ineffective behaviors. They open the door for that very change to happen. And that, my friends, gives me hope!

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