“I must confess that cancer ruined me for small talk.” I didn’t write that; Mark Nepo did, but I agree.
I read something yesterday about losing friends to depression. To tell the truth, I was already angry when I read it and reading it made me angrier still. It seems that all of the pain and frustration and grief and loss I feel is living under the umbrella of this one emotion: anger. I’m finding it highly uncomfortable.
The subject of people going away on me is a hard one to write about. Truth: it’s happened. It happens still. And not just because of the mental illness challenges I carry around like a backpack full of rocks, but add to that the physical stuff and add to that the reality that I have been in a “faith crisis” of sorts for the last several years. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t share all of this. But I find I’m not very popular. It’s OK, I understand (sort of). And it hurts.
It’s hard to tell the truth, my truth. I’m ALWAYS too concerned about what others will think, how they might feel reading these words. But not telling the truth doesn’t make it less true. Pretending something doesn’t hurt, doesn’t lessen the pain.
I’d like to go back to making small talk, I really would. Yet life keeps calling me to the depths. My hope is that I can bring some comfort and hope to others that dwell here.
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Thank you for bringing this up. I think small talk allows people to avoid the hard stuff. Keep it on the surface and nobody has to get involved, hearts don’t have to be invested. If there ever was a time for small talk to end, and depths of heart to be plumbed, now is it. Loneliness is killing us. I think we fail to realize it’s our common bond of brokenness that binds us together and simultaneously gives us hope and strength. A true dialectic. Keep writing.
I understand fully. This is interesting, for I am beginning to find that my anger stems from fear, resentment, abandonment , mis trust etc… Then I come to the truth about my story, and it’s just that, my story. Stories real or imagined , philosophical more so in my case, but quite real and very evident in my daily life in hopes that one day by telling my story or writing about it can help someone else avoid the pain I went through, but then again isn’t pain part of life, growth? I would like to be able to say I don’t worry much about what others think, but who am I kidding? I think it’s just natural for us as humans to worry about this to some extent, just so long as it doesn’t own us or define our past or alter our direction in life. Trying to get people to understand who I am has been a life long battle for me, primarily cause I have this need, called love and belonging , just accept me for who I am without judgement and walk with me verses running away from me. Not to long ago I experienced something quite beautiful, as I was trying to explain to a dear friend of mine the struggle I am going through, he responded ok so now let’s get some breakfast, ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT just s beautiful walk with, how cool y that. As to the whole issue with faith goes, well I am not to good on this subject, but the more I connect with others FAITHFULLY!!! The more I am finding that this teeny tiny mustard seed is growing exponentially by the day.
“Now let’s get some breakfast”. I love that !
More on big talk, as I stated in a previous post I am beginning to realize that big talk can fall in to several categories, but just for the sake of time I will attempt to narrow it down to a couple things. First of all I tend not to be too overly keen on small talk, yes I said it, small talk. But that is way too judgemental for I am beginning to realize that before the deeper discussions ie. BIG TALK!!! to occur I think it needs to start with the little talks , little simple life discussion’s that happen every day in my life with those I am making connections with a blue print if you will etching out the pathways of trust. It’s through these little talk trust journeys that I am finding that makes relationships beautiful, hurting, crying on each other’s shoulders in an simple attempt to just let someone know that you are there, a warm body to hold, to hug, a hand to hold as our pain of shared brokenness drenches our faces marked with lines and pains of the past. I am not really sure on big talk, but I do know that if it can just start with the little things then the bigger talks and or discussions can be had much more easily , since really in the end what really matters to me is are you going to be there for me no matter how big or small my struggle is.
Thank you Admin. Your blog is a huge encouragement and inspiration for me to begin writing again. It’s been many years since I have written anything, largely due to my negative self talk and very low self esteem. I have recently purchased a laptop and as I indicated to cash am going to begin writing a book.
Again thank you for posting these for it is my hope and dream that if nothing else someone else can gain inspiration and encouragement from my writings, since really in the end it’s really about hope. NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP!!!
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Depression:
I’d like to take a few moments and give some insights into a very difficult subject. For the first time in awhile I became extremely depressed today.
And for what at first appeared to be for no real reason. I went to bed after having worked my night shift and was in great spirits. No particular dream, no negative self talk, no disregulation nothing, everything seemed to be going great, so I thought anyway. Then it dawned on me, recently I have been placing trust in a good friend and still is a good friend, however I felt as though this trust had been violated, and not in the way you might think, I somehow felt used and or taken for a sucker since anymore I have been giving people the benefit of the doubt verses going to places of immediate judgement which by the way always keeps the door shut for relationship. This is a huge step for me since it’s really not in my nature to trust anyone, primarily cause of this. But two things I have learned from this is one,, it has actually increased my relationship with this individual since I was able to process, and two,, I was able to connect with another individual and process as well. Whithin minutes the fog had lifted and was no longer depressed. This to me just reinforces the fact that we, I need to connect with others in order to live healthy happy lives. I think for me anyway depression with all it’s negative connotations actually can in some ways be a positive thing, perhaps it’s our brain’s way of saying hey there wake up there are people who care , people who perhaps nothing else can just be there to listen. Perhaps depression can be a tool for us to become aware, since if we never allow for self awareness and think we got it all figured out, which often times I do then what happens to me anyway is depression turns to isolation, loneliness, despair, no hope fierce resentment bitterness etc… The list goes on. Today I take time to be thankful for the little things I have and am grateful I am surrounded by people who care.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts David. Johann Hari, author of Chasing the Scream, has a new book out that might interest you. It’s called Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression and the Unexpected Solutions.I think you, and Mr. Hari are onto something!