Author: admin

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Technical Difficulties; Please Stand By

I had big plans to write a few posts this weekend but I’m too distracted by the aesthetics of my blog! Remember (if you read my post about my intentions for writing) how I claimed the aesthetics weren’t a primary concern? Yeah well.

I signed in on Thursday and saw what I imagine you see: social media icons before and after each post. Aarrgghh! I cannot get them removed. Not yet anyway. And it frustrates me because it goes straight to “what will people think?”. To me, it looks like I’m that little girl of years ago, the one who still lives inside me, jumping up and down and yelling, “Please share my blog!!”.

And I don’t want to look like that needy little girl. But I am that needy little girl. However, I rarely yell; it’s not my M.O. 

So, I will try to get those dang icons removed (and fix their layout on the home page), but in the meantime, I will write and you, if you want, can follow or share, or both!

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Malignant

I hold this paper in my hand

my hand

My name is at the top

my name

and

in LARGE black letters

a word

one   single   word

like a stalker

Reminds me of the creepy boy

in 7th grade

following me in the halls

calling me at home

staring

at   me

this word

following     calling     staring

I want to scream at it to

GO AWAY

nine letters

Perhaps it shouldn’t bother me

many have walked this path before

this is my very first time

(June 2006)

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2012

How do I begin this story? I’ve told it before. It doesn’t get easier.

I’ll start with a poem:

If I tell you

will you

fall to your knees

will you

like me

find your face 

on the ground

because 

so quickly

we go

from standing

walking

to this

In the Spring, my sister was diagnosed with something called Lewy Body Dementia. This term was a mystery, to her and to us, her family. For a few years she had become increasingly forgetful, was experiencing lots of anxiety and just wasn’t herself. She was 56.

In the Summer, mom was told she had an incurable lung disease. She was 76.

And from a journal entry dated October 8th: “Something is very wrong in my body and I don’t know what it is.” I was 47. A few days later: “Two days after the biopsy. News comes. Not good news. Malignant. The word of my past is here again. In me.”

I will never forget telling my parents. Returning home I wrote: “Mom bit her lip to stem the tears…dad took the news like a physical blow.”

We, my family, had no idea what the next handful of years would bring, how excruciating it would all be. Maybe it’s a type of grace, the not knowing. 

For me, it was a time of being stripped bare. Becoming raw. As a family, we grew close out of necessity and fear. 

On December 13th, 2016, mom’s suffering ended.

On June 9th, 2017, I kissed my sister’s gaunt cheek for the final time. 

I still frequently find myself wondering how we, the ones who remain, survived. Courage?

Another journal entry : ” I’m not sure what courage is. Is this it? This feels like No Choice. Does walking into it, facing it, make me courageous?”

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Gratitude

https://gratefulness.org/grateful-day/?utm_source=A+Network+for+Grateful+Living&utm_campaign=cf4dcb55a8-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2018_09_27_07_44&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_c606570b82-cf4dcb55a8-114219417&mc_cid=cf4dcb55a8&mc_eid=d634451deb
Please share!
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Fall is Here!

I love Fall!
For me this is a time of slowing down and listening inward.
I may be one of the few, but I enjoy the shorter daylight hours and the less intense pace.
I am also in the Fall of my life. Do I love it, this life-season? Sometimes, but honestly at times it feels like my best days are behind me.
AND, I’m open to learning to love the bright colors and paring down, the “aging with grace” and “acquiring wisdom”!
Aging, slower pace, paring down…none of these are things our culture is very comfortable with, so it does seem like an uphill climb.
As I watch the trees drop their leaves, I hope to be reminded that I can continue to drop more and more of what no longer serves me, be that beliefs, opinions, unkindness to myself and others, hurry or bitterness.
Here’s to letting go AND looking ahead with anticipation.

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Haiku

I was in third grade when introduced to poetry and began spending as much time as possible in the library, reading as much verse as I could find. I was enchanted!

Maybe because this introduction hit me with such force or possibly because of the way my brain works, I often find that I think of poems in a Haiku format. It’s as if my brain is stuck on “5 syllables- 7 syllables- 5 syllables”. This happens especially when I am walking or hiking outdoors.

So, on that note, here are a few samples to honor my third grade teacher, Mrs. Kraft.

trees billow and roll

waves in this mountain ocean

green and green and green

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

from every rain

a field paints weed and flower

mouth canvas open

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

the young maple holds

its leaves after rain wind and

rain    like rebellion

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recurrence

what does it mean
this time
this journey
where death
grasps me
by the wrist

is it
just a few steps
to be climbed after
I’m already
winded
from the
thousand
that came before

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Therapy 2009 (or, not for Tim)


years

sitting here naked

and exposed choosing

v u l n e r a b i l i t y

I pay you to 

LISTEN

gasping

I rip away skin

muscle

exposing what’s

inside

blood and emptiness

(you stifle a yawn behind your hand)

slowly

silently

I retrieve the shards of myself

that are strewn 

across the floor

and

opening my mOuth

I swallow them down

I stand and leave this place

she could not be helped they said

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