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“You have been given questions to which you cannot be given answers. You will have to live them out- perhaps a little at a time.”

“And how long is that going to take?”

“I don’t know. As long as you live perhaps.”

“That could be a long time.”

“I will tell you a further mystery,” he said, “It may take longer.”

From Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry

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my feet curve to this

path with roots sharp rocks and loss

I stumble fall rise

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Here’s another piece from a few years ago. I recently had lunch with this friend. She will soon be turning 78 and she remains one of the most “all in” people I know.

I attended a meeting yesterday morning for my first time, with a friend. It was good. People were welcoming. After, my friend, 25 years my senior, asked if I would walk around with her, as Earth Day festivities had begun. So we did. It was good. She was so happy, so full of joy; taking time to speak to people at each booth when we stopped, getting to know their story.

Her joy was palpable as she exclaimed over costumes and danced alongside a toddler. She bought me gifts. She told me over and over how thankful she was that I had joined her, how much fun she was having. She talked to the children, listened intently to the adults, asked great questions, shared concern for the issues at hand. I learned a lot about how I want to be in 25 years: I want to be a story-listener, a joy-spreader, a smile-giver. I want my eyes to twinkle, I want to exclaim and express gratitude when I learn something new, I want to still be learning. I want past regrets to propel me to embrace all of life. I want to be surprised, astounded, amazed, excited, playful. I want to say thank you for each small kindness. I want to stay open. I want to touch other humans gently on the shoulder-to show I care-whether a young mother, glowing with vitality, or a filthy homeless man, bereft of dignity. I want to keep quarters in my purse for someone who might need bus fare, and spend my little on a friend just to see the joy of the gift received. I want to encourage and praise the good in everyone I meet, so perhaps, next time they look in the mirror, they may see goodness reflected back to them. I want to walk with a younger woman through an Earth Day fair on a sunny day, and turn to her, asking “Would you be my friend?”.

At the end of our two hours, my arms were aching- loaded with pamphlets and gifts; my heart was full. The mommy-hunger in me was quieted and I felt awe because I had seen the beauty of someone simply living with her heart wide open.

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*I wrote this piece a few years ago (when I was still on Facebook!). It came to mind today, partly I’m sure because I haven’t been writing much lately and I really want to. But I thought of this piece because the man mentioned in it, my friend, has relapsed recently. Another friend finds himself in a psychiatric facility, meaning, presumably, that he too has relapsed. It grieves my heart that these precious souls are hurting. That I can’t make it right for them. I am learning again from the writings of Father Gregory Boyle that we are here to love each other and that that loving is not neat and tidy or black and white but messy and colored every possible shade of grey. So I post this piece again, as it was originally written, to share a little of what that loving looks like in my life.

It’s been an interesting day. I can’t think of a better word even though I know there is one, so “interesting” will have to do.

I don’t know that I have ever said the words I said today. All lined up and spilling out. 
Have I ever held a drunken man, someone I call “friend”, as he sobs? No, I don’t think so. 

I’m on FB and it’s midnight. Breaking all my own rules.
Stomach hurts.

And I scroll while my stomach pain climbs a notch. A beautiful great-niece is turning 1. Two other great-nieces are crawling.
My youngest is posting cowboy stuff; wait, sweetie, are you a cowboy? How did I miss this?
I am constantly stretched here, in this thing called life.
I see posts about such diverse things… pain, suffering, lots of judgement… they don’t fit together. We are fragile. I grieve.
The way things are maybe, or is it the way I am? 
Old words, “don’t be such a baby”. No. 

I celebrated with some amazing men who have accomplished things that most of us will never need to. I am humbled to witness such courage. Truly. Someone said to me today “I’m impressed by what you do.” I think, what else is there? 
Perhaps I’m naive. Probably.

Claudia needs me to go to the clothing room with her. She doesn’t ask but I know the rules so I offer. The skirt she’s wearing is falling off. We choose things that look like they might be her size. She asks and I tell her which one will look best with the top she’s wearing. 

I’m just taking the next step. Some of this path-walking I get to do with men and women who, for some reason, ended up in a hole so deep. Yea and the reason really isn’t the issue. The issue is what am I going to do? 

I find that I am not ever capable. AND I have small offerings: empathy, words of hope.

But I guess, in the midst of it all, sometimes (right or wrong, I don’t know) all I can do is put my arms around a drunken man whom I have come to love and hold him while he weeps.

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I’m not so good at it. Actually, I’m really not good at it.

I cleaned the room. It needed cleaning. And sorting. Purging even.

There it is, the letting go.

Emptying the closet of boxes, I sat on the floor surrounded by

who knows what.

I deliberated and tossed and put away.

Then I saw it. 

A box full of her clothes. My sister’s clothes. 

I’m not sure why I have them, kept them, stored them.

She’s gone yet immediately I was in her presence.

She was here in the colors and textures.

But not the smell.

I buried my face in each item. One by one.

The socks even.

Nothing.

And I so desperately wanted someone to be there.

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I want to follow up my last post with a further explanation on self-validation and why (at least in my opinion) it’s important.

First a definition from the DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents: “Self-Validation involves perceiving your own feelings, thoughts, and actions as making sense, accurate, and acceptable in a particular situation.”

Have you ever felt angry with yourself for being angry? Been frustrated with yourself because you are “stuck” in grief? I have. And you know what, this form of emotional invalidation has not made things better. It has, in fact, made my life more of a challenge. For close to 50 years, I didn’t know any different. I thought the best way to change was to, well, change. Acceptance, never entered my mind. And acceptance is the sister of self-validation. If you cringe at the word “acceptance” as it relates to emotions, hang on, I will attempt to ease your discomfort!

I love the work of Kristin Neff, PhD, she is Associate Professor of Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas at Austin and her gig is self-compassion research. (Look her up on YouTube or check out her work at self-compassion.org). My main takeaway from Dr. Neff’s work is this: based on brain research (fMRI), when we are self-critical and judgmental, the part of our brain that helps us with motivation and change shuts down. Conversely, when we offer ourselves understanding and compassion (self-validation), those same brain centers light up and show an increase in activity. I think that’s pretty good news!

I love this quote from Kristin: 

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

An example I frequently use in class involves eating, because we all eat and most of us can relate to overeating. Let’s say I have resolved to stop eating one of my favorite sweets; I’m going to say (for you local folks) Sparrow Bakery’s peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. On Monday I go to my weekly therapy session and I leave feeling uncomfortable. This is not uncommon. (Backstory: I met my therapist when I signed up for a year-long DBT group she was co-leading. She scared the crap out of me and I actually thought to myself, “I would never want her as my therapist!” And yeah, now she’s my therapist. Suffice it to say, my sessions with her are often quite challenging. She calls me on my shit, er, stuff. AND I can tell her anything and she accepts it all without judgment.) Conveniently, on my drive home is a market that sells the above mentioned cookies. Truth be told, I sometimes stop and buy a cookie. Sometimes I eat the entire thing in the store parking lot. 

Used to be, after my wee little 500 calorie cookie indulgence, I’d feel guilty and berate myself with a fair amount of “I’m never going to change…I’m always going to eat to comfort myself”; you get the idea. Since encountering self-validation and Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion, I buy and eat 10 cookies. Not really. I sometimes still stop and buy and eat a cookie. I sometimes feel a little guilt. But I rarely ever flog myself with nasty, self-recriminating thoughts. This next part may sound silly, but hey, it works for me. Now, I’m more likely to say things to myself like “it makes sense that you want to eat a cookie right now, you just did some tough emotional work.” 

Perhaps you’ve already jumped to the punch line, I know I’m not inventing the wheel here. Treating myself with kindness and validating the emotional turmoil I often feel after therapy (and on many other occasions!), has led to fewer stops for cookies, sometimes choosing a smaller cookie, or even (gasp!) eating only a few bites of the cookie. I know.

Self-validation makes a difference because, when I beat myself up I want to eat more cookies, or similar junk. Or, I take the anger and frustration I’m feeling toward myself and project it onto some unsuspecting bystander. And that’s not pretty.  Either way, I can pretty much guarantee that I stay stuck emotionally because, let’s face it, cookies don’t solve anything, no matter what your mom told you. When I am kind to myself, I am more able to see that I have other options. I can actually remember that last time I had a huge cookie, I felt better…for about 2 minutes, tops. Then I realize that what drove me to eat the cookie is still churning in my gut. 

This behavior is so common in a dieting situation, or when someone enters recovery from substance abuse or any other addiction. One wakes up Monday morning and decides “this is it, I’m going to lose this weight, eat only _____ calories a day and exercise for 5 hours each week.” Then the you-know-what hits the fan: a child is suspended from school, or the evening news is worse than usual (is that even possible?!), or, choose a scenario- it could be a disagreement with a loved one, traffic was bad. You get the idea. The drive-through beckons, those Monday morning goals pale in comparison to “I need to feel better now!!!”. So we go for it, the comfort of food or cigarettes or sex or gambling or meth or booze. Then the self- flagellation begins. “I’m so stupid!”, “I’ll never get it right!”. And then the most insidious message of all flares like a neon light: “I may as well give up.” Yep, off the wagon and it all happens so quickly.

Enter self-compassion. Self-validation. I’m not making this up: research shows it works. Going easier on ourselves when we do the thing we swore we wouldn’t do gives us the capacity to change that very behavior. Kind of flies in the face of all I’ve learned, how about you? 

Acceptance and self-validation do not mean we give up on trying to change things like addiction and other ineffective behaviors. They open the door for that very change to happen. And that, my friends, gives me hope!

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Well, sort of…

I’ve actually thought about this quite a bit in recent weeks. In case you don’t already know this about me, I volunteer teach once a week for a local men’s and a women’s recovery program. The subject I attempt to teach is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, often referred to as DBT.

My students struggle to get through the holidays (like many of us), and sometimes there’s a relapse or two. The men in particular are extra busy, as they are living in the building where most of the holiday donations are received. Given the above, I decided to take a bit of a detour in class and focus on Mindfulness. They expressed their gratitude and relief; we had been painstakingly plowing through some deep emotional work and, frankly, they don’t need that extra burden at this time of year!

Which brings me to the subject of this post. Validation. Now, technically, validation is not a DBT Mindfulness skill; it’s found in the module of Interpersonal Effectiveness. But in class it’s a skill we touch on frequently, regardless of our current module, especially when things are difficult in “The House”. “Why’s that?”, you wonder. In my opinion, validation is one of the most important relationship skills, and we are all in need of relationship skills. Can I get an “Amen”?

So, if you want to radically change your relationships (including the one you have with yourself), I implore you to learn how to validate. 

First, I have a link and the rest of this post will make more sense if you go on over to YouTube to watch this before reading on. If the link doesn’t work, type “Relational DBT Validation Sunrise” into the YouTube search field. It’s 9 minutes long.

First let me say, yes, the video focuses on parent-child relationships, but the teaching can be applied to all relationships. The second thing I’d like to point out is, the skill of validation is not true validation if it is used as a form of manipulation! 

The challenge with validation is, it means we need to shut up and listen. And that does not come easy to most of us. Stop judging what’s being said, stop judging the person saying it, stop planning what we will say in response. Just listen. That in itself, can be the most validating thing to do. 

The more I discuss this with people, the more I’m convinced that many of us just want to be heard. No, let me rephrase: we are yearning to be heard. To know we matter, that we are valid! I’m not sure if it’s human nature or just our Western way of doing things, but most of us feel obliged to give advice, or better yet, answers. When someone pours out their pain and problems, we want to fix. Because we care so much, right?

Hmmm, I’m not so sure that’s the reason. And I could be wrong about this (feel free to add your opinion in the Comments), but we don’t like feeling the discomfort of being with someone who is having a hard time.  (And, I must add: we don’t like being parents to children who are having a hard time. Makes us look bad… ahem.) It makes US uncomfortable and so we want to fix it ASAP so we can stop feeling all squirmy. Give us a problem, we’ll fix it (or throw some cash at it), isn’t that our way? 

The problem is, advice giving (unless it’s expressly asked for) and “fixing” is INvalidating. Which is the opposite of what’s needed to build and grow relationships. 

Let me offer you a scenario. Let’s say you have an annoying fear that won’t give you a break. Maybe you’re afraid of thunderstorms. You’re embarrassed about this fear so rarely talk about it. One night there’s a storm and you, feeling frantic with fear, take a risk and confide in a loved one that you are very, very afraid. They decide that the best thing for you to do is face your fear, so they coax you outside and then run into the house and lock all the doors! They are “fixing” your fear by deciding the best course of action is for you to tough it out. Ok, this might not happen in real life, but similar invalidating experiences happen all the time.

Have you ever expressed fear about a stomachache that won’t let up, or something similar, only to have someone share their own, obviously more significant, physical ailment? You know, as if it’s a contest, and whoever has the worst health problem wins. I have. And I certainly don’t feel validated. I generally feel something like “yeah, I’m making a big deal out of nothing again; I’m so stupid!” Plus that person is probably not the one I’ll confide in next time.

What if in the first example the loved one responded with something like, “I didn’t realize that storms are frightening to you. Thank you for telling me. How about we turn on a good movie and distract ourselves from the storm?” Validating ? Yes. And the thing is, this person may LOVE thunderstorms and it makes NO sense to them why everyone doesn’t love thunderstorms!

So, why validate? Because being connected is more important than being “right”. (I’m tempted to retype that line, but I’m going to trust you to understand it’s the whole point of this post.)

In the second example, a validating response might be something like, “yeah, pain that doesn’t go away can be concerning. It makes sense that you are bothered. Is there something I can do?” The person with the belly ache feels heard, understood, validated. The “listener” might have a terrible illness and, a stomachache, in their opinion, may seem like no big deal.

This happened to me a few months ago. I was at a retreat for those whose life experience included a cancer diagnosis. Something difficult and painful was going on at home and I was struggling with being hundreds of miles away. One morning I was sitting at breakfast near a woman young enough to be my daughter. She asked me how I was doing and immediately unbidden, silent tears slipped down my face. She listened as I shared a summary of what was causing me so much distress. As I talked, she held my eyes with a steady gaze. She made comforting verbal sounds. She had no answers. She couldn’t even relate to what I was going through. No. Just 4 months earlier she had received a diagnosis of Glioblastoma, the most aggressive form of brain cancer there is. As I type this, I don’t even know if she’s still alive. Yet she gave me the most precious gift. That of being heard. I will be forever grateful.

Which brings me to a truth I hope is obvious in the above examples: Validation does not mean “I agree”. It doesn’t even mean “I understand.” Nope. It’s a way of communicating clearly, “You matter. You are worth being listened to.” 

I believe the skill of validation can bring more ease to the stressful time that the holiday season is for many of us. But it requires slowing down, listening, being present. 

I want to tell a true story. My daughter has been in a nursing program and this summer she was working in the community with immigrants and refugees. She became very frustrated as, again and again, the resources she had been told to offer to these needy individuals, were found to be inaccessible for some reason or another. She teared up when recounting her experiences because she felt like she hadn’t really been able to help. But  she was PRESENT, she showed up. And, let me tell you, I don’t think anything is more valuable, more validating, in this day and age, for the needy-yes, and for each of us. The aunt that is your political opposite, the cousin who just got out of jail. You get the idea. You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to like the behavior; find something to validate. It can change me, you, the aunt, the cousin, the culture. 

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